How I Birthed My Memoir

By Liz Kinchen

How I Birthed My Memoir

I began writing my memoir twenty years ago, but I didn’t know that then. I have always kept journals, even as a young person, so at age 45, when my therapist suggested I intentionally write about my childhood to help me remember some of the murkier details, I readily agreed. Like others before me, I found that writing allowed memories and their associated images, words, and emotions to emerge. Once the process started, it seemed floodgates opened, and pages filled with my childhood and adolescent experiences. A book was not even a glimmer in my eye; these were just pages alive with memories.

Why was I in therapy, you may be wondering? 

I’ve been in one kind of therapy or another for most of my adult years. I’ve always considered being in therapy a commitment to mental and emotional health and well-being. Plus, I had some issues. I had trouble being open and honest in relationships. I would sometimes end one relationship by having an affair, and I was drawn to married men and the secrecy and compartmentalization these relationships provided. Although friendly and kind, I was emotionally unattached to people – a legacy from a childhood of emotional neglect. This was particularly a problem with my second husband, a kind, smart, loyal man who adored me and wanted to be close to me while I kept emotionally flitting away or withdrawing.

Then a pivotal event happened twenty years ago, sending me to that therapist who suggested I write.

In my forties, a job working with children required me to attend a training day on how to notice and respond to various abuse situations. I watched a video that showed a handsome priest befriending a lonely and vulnerable teenage boy, eventually leading to sex. As I watched, I recognized in my gut the seduction, grooming, abuse of innocence, and betrayal of trust that exactly mirrored my own adolescent experience. 

In eighth grade, when my middle-school English teacher took a liking to me and began treating me differently than my schoolmates, I felt seen and special for the first time. This began a five-year relationship of what felt like trust and love. On one hand, the sexual attention seemed exciting, making me feel lucky to have him caring for me so well. But I also felt guilty about the lying and secrecy it required, and I dreaded the sex.

Still, I didn’t think the relationship was harmful to me. It was the 1970’s and ‘love was good’, even if others would not understand our love. This is how I first learned to keep secrets and feel comfortable exchanging sex for attention while at the same time unconsciously protecting myself and dissociating. Even after our relationship ended when I went to college, and even though he proceeded to sleep with my best girlfriends, I believed for decades that no harm had been done. 

After recognizing my own abuse, I embarked on a healing journey. I saw the connection between that abusive relationship and my problems with trust in relationships. The journey included several key factors that helped to open my eyes and heart – the genuine loving attention and acceptance of my therapist, my husband, and some key friends, becoming a mother, meditating, and walking a spiritual path. My experience with Buddhism, in particular, was so helpful that I studied to become a mindfulness meditation teacher; I wanted to share my knowledge of the healing power of those ancient teachings with others who might also be helped. 

I show how these all elements created a tapestry of healing in what is now my memoir, Light in Bandaged Places: Healing in the Wake of Young Betrayal, coming out in September 2023. The healing began with writing!

I wrote on and off for fourteen years after that initial suggestion by my therapist. When I looked at the body of my writing, I wondered if it could be put into a coherent story that others might see themselves in and benefit from. Teen abuse and the subsequent emotional and relational struggles are more commonplace than we’d like to think. I wondered if my story might also shed more light on the harmful misuse of power, position, age, and trust found in schools, sports teams, churches, and homes. 

I began to read stories that strong women dared to tell and publish, and it gave me the courage to try to do the same. I hired a developmental editor who helped shape my reflections into a narrative that told the story and connected the dots. That editor said she gained important personal insight from my story, reinforcing my notion that this could be of benefit. I studied the craft of writing and worked with other editors to refine my story. Over these four years, I asked trusted family and friends to read my manuscript and they offered invaluable help.

Then, I learned everything I could about the publishing process; its different options, how to write query letters, prepare and submit an application, and all that goes into seeking and finding a publisher. It took two more years to find my publisher, She Writes Press and begin the publication process. This involved a completely new learning curve; I devoured everything I could find about book marketing, publicity, pre-ordering, writing reviews, participating in writer communities, endorsement seeking, audiobook production, launch events, and more.

My publication date is September 5, 2023. As this date approaches, I am excited, proud, terrified, and eager to share my story with the world and show that there are paths to healing, recovery, and an open and loving life. Today, I am both a meditation teacher and an author – two things I never would have guessed as that lonely, vulnerable girl nearly 60 years ago. But life is full of surprises and opportunities if we are open and believe healing is possible.

—

Liz Kinchen is a writer, meditation teacher, and Buddhist practitioner. With graduate degrees in computer science and counseling psychology, Kinchen worked in software development management for 21 years before  moving into the nonprofit sector for seventeen years as the executive director of a small organization working with underserved children and families in Honduras. Her passions are her family, meditation, teaching mindfulness, spirituality, writing, talking with close friends, and walking in nature.

She is a contributing author to the anthology Art in the Time of Unbearable Crisis, published by She Writes Press in 2022. She lives in the greater Boston area with her husband of over 30 years. Find out more about her and check out her blog about mediation teaching at lizkinchen.com.

LIGHT IN BANDAGED PLACES

Light in Bandaged Places shows us the harm done when an older man in a position of power convinces a child that sex with him is alright because he loves her. This poignant story takes us through the long-term wounding of such abuse—and the multifaceted path of healing.

As a lonely girl coming of age in the 1970s, Liz has every reason to believe her 8th-grade teacher is in love with her. Because the sex isn’t physically violent and is wrapped in a message of love, she learns to exchange sex for attention. It feels like love, after all. But years later, as an adult, emotional closeness eludes Liz. Even after marrying a sensitive, caring man, she is walled off. Struggling through confusing years, she believes something is deeply wrong with her.

Healing begins when an unexpected event takes Liz back to those formative years, and she sees for the first time that what happened to her was not love but trauma. As she begins to understand how her relationship with her former teacher destroyed her innocence and self-worth, she begins a spiritual and psychological journey that sets her free.

Now a meditation teacher and Buddhist practitioner, Liz offers her story in hope of helping others along their own paths of discovery and healing.

BUY HERE

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing