Dear Bobby: On Writing Love letters to my Late Husband

Dear Bobby: On writing love letters to my late husband by Diana Papalia Zappa

On December 8, 2018, my beloved husband Bob Zappa passed away from hereditary amyloidosis. We had met in 1986 and although there was an instant and intense connection, we weren’t able to be together until 2013. We married in 2015. He was 75 when he passed away unexpectedly, and I was 71 when I became a widow.

Almost immediately after he died I began writing about how our relationship evolved through the 32 years we had known each other. Writing was cathartic, helping me process and cope with this deep loss. My debut memoir, The Married Widow: My Journey with Bob Zappa was published by Bold Story Press in 2021.

That memoir was well received. And it was a group of widows who encouraged me to write more, specifically about what helped me cope with my grief. By that time I had begun to write letters to my late husband telling him about my life and feelings, and sharing memories of things we did together, something I still do. I enjoy the challenge of determining what I want to tell him. Writing to him has allowed our relationship to continue. It helps keep him near and keeps our love alive.

There is no set time or place when the inspiration for a letter would come to me. Often it would be early morning, but other times it might be while I was enjoying a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. It’s my way of talking with him at any time and in any place.

Following is a small sample of my 26 Dear Bobby letters.

July 28, 2019

Dear Bobby,

So I think this will be my new project. Writing to you as the spirit (so to speak) moves me. I really miss being with you, having dinner, cooking, joking around, the cocktail hour. The little things that make up a life together. I miss turning down the sheets with you before we go out. I miss you turning on the music before we would go to sleep. I haven’t been able to do that since you passed. I miss you asking me if I’m cold, and then turning your back to me to warm me up. I miss checking if that solitary hair has grown back on your nose, I simply miss you.

Love,

Diane

September 20, 2019

Dear Bobby,

How I loved our cocktail hours! That was our special time amid many special times. One tradition that meant so much to me was right at the beginning. We’d go into the kitchen. I’d be scurrying around getting drinks and snacks together. And every night you would stand there with your back to the counter, look at me so lovingly, and motion for me to come to you. Then you’d take me in your arms and say, “Never gonna let you go.” And I’d sigh and tell you those words were magical to me. Are magical to me. And they always will be.

Love,

Diane 

October 2, 2019

Dear Bobby,

I woke up early this morning and put the coffee on. I always set it up the night before so I can start it without a fuss. I don’t know why I didn’t think of doing that when you were here.

I remember how you would bring me coffee in bed every day, right until the end. You placed a full cup on the seat of your walker and rolled it into our bedroom. When I needed a refill, I would holler your name and you’d bring me a second cup. Or a third. You struggled to get the coffee from the walker to the bedside table; your fingers didn’t want to let go of the cup. But you did it. You never gave up. And I admired that so much.

I remember once, shortly before you passed away, you brought me my coffee and asked if I ever regretted marrying you.

Not for a second. Not even once.

Love, 

Diane

May 22, 2021

Dear Bobby,

One of the things I remember most fondly is when we’d wake up together every morning, you right next to me. Before going to the kitchen to make your breakfast and my coffee, you’d hold me in your arms, brush my hair away from my face, and kiss me on the forehead. Then you’d murmur, “Good morning, Mrs. Z.” It’s such a precious memory. And I miss it.

Love,

Diane

Another purpose of Dear Bobby: My Grief  Journey  was to encourage readers to begin their own writing journey. To do this I collected 17 prompts, mostly quotes by famous people such as Maya Angelou and Keanu Reeves, to inspire their own reflection and writing. Here are several examples.

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

       Aristotle, Ancient Greek philosopher 

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

      Mitch Albom from Tuesdays with Morrie

“Grief is the price we pay for love.”

        Queen Elizabeth II, in her message to those who lost loved ones in the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

The book ends with an appendix of resources such as books, films, and support groups for those who are grieving. 

I plan to continue reaching out to widows and widowers by creating a blog and being on several podcasts. After that, I’m open to what comes next.

BUY THE BOOK HERE

Diane Papalia Zappa graduated from Vassar College in 1968. She earned a MS in Child Development and Family Relations and a PhD in Life-Span Developmental Psychology from West Virginia University in 1970 and 1971, respectively.

She then went on to join the faculty of the Department of Child and Family Studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, attaining the rank of full professor at age 30.

While there she and co-author Sally Wendkos Olds wrote A Child’s World (now in its thirteenth edition) and Human Development (now in its fifteenth edition).

While at Wisconsin she met Frank Zappa’s younger brother Bob, who was marketing manager for one of her textbooks. They married in 2015.

Her first memoir, The Married Widow: My Journey with Bob Zappa, describes their relationship since meeting in 1986. 

 

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Category: On Writing