Releasing the Reins for the Character and the Author

On the day this article is published, my debut novel, Releasing the Reins, will be launched. It will mark the culmination of six years of hard work from vague idea to published novel. For that reason alone, it will be a momentous week for me. However, it will also be the week I am transitioning from a thirty-five-year career in education to a career in writing fiction. It seems fitting that these two things are happening at the same time. Like Bunny O’Kelly’s journey, becoming a writer has been all about releasing the reins.

For about half the time I was writing this book, the main theme of the story seemed clear to me: In order to find a place where one is accepted as their authentic self, one must find self-acceptance first. The book even had a different title, Becoming Benny. Bunny is bold and strong-willed, but she has never felt quite right, and she blames that on how others see her. At every turn, she thinks she must prove herself. She asserts her strength and skills to others but is not truly convinced of them herself. If she could, she would scrap the whole thing and spend all her time with the four-legged friends with whom she feels completely accepted. 

While this is certainly a theme in the story, as I wrote and revised, I kept asking myself what it would take to develop the kind of courage that self-acceptance requires. It is not her guts that propel her to go to Alaska on her own. It is her anger. The real courage comes not in facing how others see her but in confronting how she sees herself.

The fact that she feels she must fight shows just how much convincing she needs. So, what does it take to release the reins on your life? It takes trust in yourself, in others, and in the journey. It is letting go of past experiences which might have chipped away at your confidence in your ability and strength. It is letting go of the idea that you must do everything on your own or someone might think you are incompetent. It is letting go of the fear that others do not truly accept you and will not be there to support you. 

While I was searching for the root of Bunny’s lack of self-acceptance, I was struggling with questions about my own life. I have been writing seriously for seven years. For a large part of that, I was working on Releasing the Reins. I also finished a second novel and plotted the sequel to the first. Meanwhile, after nearly thirty-five years in a profession where I had felt confident and accomplished, I began feeling more and more like it no longer fit me. I was no longer willing to fit myself into it. Making this transition is all about building trust—in myself, in others, and in the journey.

While I did not storm off to become a writer because I was angry, I did in fact storm into writing with great emotion. I began writing stories while my father was dying as a groundswell of memories and feelings bubbled to the surface. This first foray, which ultimately led to novels, required letting go of my fear of being judged. I had to trust that I had something worth writing and embrace my unique voice. Rather than gird myself against the brunt of potential criticism (literary or substantive), I opened the door. Whether writing about my grandfather’s role in my life or Bunny O’Kelly’s assessment of her mother, I had to release the reins on vulnerability. 

 Of course, as an inexperienced fiction writer, I knew I had a lot to learn about the craft. I had no idea just how much I did not know about the business of writing, though. I took classes and went to workshops. I still do because I know there will always be more to learn. I realized, though, that the need to learn more was becoming an excuse to avoid the next, and most vulnerable, step—publishing. I had to trust that I knew enough to move forward and let loose my fear of being incompetent or imperfect.

As a professional woman, the most difficult set of reins to let go of were those of trusting others. In my experience and in watching women who came before me, asking for help or showing emotion is the death knell of advancement. I have had to be careful about who I ask for support from. Becoming a writer required me to take that leap of trust.

Being able to accept and trust the feedback of critique partners and beta readers was essential to improving my work. All of that would have been for nothing had I not known the myriad of steps, decisions, and pitfalls on the way to a published novel. I would not have published this book without having a trusted group of knowledgeable writers who I could reach out to for help and advice without fear of judgment. It sounds so simple now. In the competitive world of publishing, admitting I had no idea where to start felt like I was dropping the reins on a bucking bronco.

Like Bunny, taking this leap from the safe and known, if uncomfortable, is a journey of self-acceptance. I see myself as a writer, not because I assert it or feel I have to prove it, but because I am convinced of it. None of that was possible without a foundation of trust. I am embracing vulnerability as an opportunity to grow and strengthen my voice, imperfection as a step toward mastery, learning as a building block not a speed bump, and support as a generous gift that I will pay forward. I am releasing the reins. 

—

Catherine Matthews is a PNW author and educator. Through her novels, she tells the stories of strong women finding the courage to face the storm and live their dreams—usually in the company of a faithful hound. Catherine’s debut novel, Releasing the Reins, will be out on June 18, 2024. It was a 2022 PNWA Literary Contest Finalist under the working title Becoming Benny. Her essay, Deeper Than Social Connections, is featured in the eBook and audiobook editions of the anthology Alone Together: Love, Grief, and Comfort in the Time of COVID-19 (Jennifer Haupt, Ed.), winner of the 2021 Washington State Book Award for general nonfiction. Through her blog, Life Through My Lens, she examines life through the stories of her youth, and her adventures in parenting, teaching, and leading schools. She is board member and the Vice President of Technology for the Women’s Fiction Writers Association. 

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RELEASING THE REINS

Secrets hiding on the tundra…

In the dawning of summer, the rugged landscape of rural Alaska sets the stage for a tale of determination and dark secrets. Headstrong Bunny O’Kelly arrives on the sprawling expanses of Buck Miller’s horse ranch with the fiery ambition to make a name for herself. Against the backdrop of wild horses and unchecked wilderness, she embarks on a grueling journey to prove her worth, not just as a ranch hand, but as a woman in a world that doesn’t want her.

But when Bunny stumbles upon the shattered remnants of Katie Miller’s life, the ranch transforms into a web of lies. Katie’s fatal accident, long unexamined, whispers of hidden truths and cloaked motives. As Bunny delves deeper, she uncovers a sinister layer to the tragedy and finds herself caught in a dangerous game where her quest for justice could unravel the very fabric of her newfound haven . . . yet silence could enshrine a killer’s freedom.

BUY HERE

Tags: featured, women writers

Category: On Writing