The Side Effects of Being an Author

I never planned to become an author. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. So much so, I have published two novels, Grace & The Ghost and Angel’s Rebellion.  But my initial dream, was to write something and simply get one book printed so I could place it casually on the footstool and adopt a voice like Margot from the sitcom The Good Life when anyone enquired about it. However, a chance meeting between my friend and a lady who would eventually become my editor changed all that.

It wasn’t long before I was convinced that my four hundred and odd pages were not too shabby and other people might enjoy my ramblings. The next few months transformed me from a civil servant into an author. I used to lie awake at night, wondering how my life would change.

Here are a few things that I did not expect.

Everyone Thinks You’re Rich.

Within a few weeks of being published, I think people thought I would be walking around dragging a fur coat like Liberace and brushing my teeth with Lanson Champagne.

‘You must be loaded.’

Why must I? I printed a book, not money. Most people who know me know I write on an old laptop that requires duct tape to keep its charging lead in place. But there are others who are under the illusion that I dictate to some poor soul while I languish on a chaise longue in pink chiffon, clutching a dog that, for some reason, always has breathing difficulties.

Everyone Compares You to JK Rowling.

My books are about drunk ghosts and inept angels, so I am not sure what kind of theme park that would make in Florida. Therefore, I will not be waiting for Universal Studios to discuss plans of a roller coaster ride that gives you the sensation of drunkenness or death.

You Cannot Send a Text Without Using Correct Grammar and Punctuation.

I remember when I could text

ON WAY

Now, I would look at that text and think that’s not even a sentence. The journey is not clear and doesn’t even hint at when I should get there. Now my ON WAY  text will read as follows.

HI, JOHN.  JUST TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE BOARDED THE 437 BUS AND WILL BE WITH YOU IN APPROX. THIRTY MINUTES SUBJECT TO CLEAR ROAD CONDITIONS AND A COMPETENT BUS DRIVER. I AM SURE HE IS, AND IT MUST BE NOTED HE HAS A PLEASANT DISPOSITION. DURING MY LAST BUS ADVENTURE THE DRIVER ASKED, ‘DID I HAVE THE CORRECT CHANGE?’ WHEN I INFORMED HIM THAT I DID NOT, HE MADE A SOUND THAT MADE ME MISTAKENLY THINK HE WAS BLOWING UP BALLOONS.  HE OFFERED ME MY CHANGE FROM A FIVE POUND NOTE, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, NOT A SMILE.

I have text Tourette’s!! I can’t help myself from WhatsApp waffling and inane iMessaging. I need an editor simply for my phone messages!

People Hate Emailing You.

Whenever I ask anyone to email me, I always see a look of panic flash behind their eyes. They think I sit there like an English Language teacher checking the content and composition of an email requesting a meeting. These emails always start with, ‘Apologies for the spelling errors….’

Stand by your errors or simply use a spell checker and stop panicking.

Everyone Thinks You’re Well Read.

‘Have you read all the works of Hemingway?’

‘Which of Miller’s plays resonated with you the most?’

‘I bet you read Shakespeare and Bronte as a child.’

No, I didn’t! I read Bunty and things like ‘Canoodling on the Cross-Channel Ferry’ a typical picture story from Jackie. As I grew up, I read the Smash Hits Annual from cover to cover and what I didn’t know about Duran Duran wasn’t worth knowing. Why do people think because you write you must be familiar with the works of every decent writer that ever licked his nib?

Some other silly side effects also happen. Such as having roughly 7,200 notebooks of various sizes, thicknesses and uses. Not all notebooks are the same, and I now feel qualified enough for a job in Paperchase and present a PowerPoint Presentation Training Programme titled ‘Lines, Margins & Perforations. Embrace Their Uniqueness.’ I also have a fine collection of pens, highlighters and bookmarks. However, I’m still holding out for a replacement lead for my laptop or a new roll of duct tape.

But the best side effect of becoming an author is how writing has given me another dimension to my life. I now rock up to writing retreats, much to the eye-rolling of the organisers. Yes, I am the one who brings too much wine, attitude and encourages rebellion. My fellow authors seem to like my company and have started to ring their own secret wine stash.

I also attend literary lunches. Not so long ago, a posh lunch for me was a meal deal from Tesco that included something with spinach and an item that required washing before consumption. Now, I attend lunches with writers, illustrators, editors, reviewers, etc. and we all go home with bruises on our backs from all the congratulatory slapping since our last meeting.

Please don’t think us writers are an egotistical bunch; we’re not. It’s simply because most of the time we are holed up in a study, office or bedroom with only our characters for company. Then when they stop talking because you have finished, you’re either being caressed by euphoria or being poked by paranoia. So, is it any wonder we attend these functions to ‘feed’?

But truly the best side effect has been the new friends that are in my life. The poets, the novelists, the bookshop owners, the illustrators all of which are now some of my best friends. These wonderful people support your writing, they stamp on your insecurities, and the really good ones bring a corkscrew.

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Estelle Maher was born in the heart of Liverpool, England and now resides in Wirral with her husband, 2 children and 2 dogs. Estelle has been writing on and off for several years and her best-selling debut novel Grace & The Ghost won the Soul & Spirit Magazine award for Best Spiritual Fiction 2018.  She then published a spin off novel Angel’s Rebellion which also became an Amazon bestseller. Estelle is currently writing a semi-autobiographical and humorous account of her recent journey overcoming breast cancer, The Killing of Tracey Titmass.

https://estellemaher.com/

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Category: Contemporary Women Writers, How To and Tips